April 2023
I was on the phone with my best friend the other day, she lives in Florida and is also in recovery. She and I, in our drinking days, were two peas in a pod. We met at the end of my senior year in college through a guy I was dating, and we became almost instant best friends, which is VERY unusual for me, as I don’t have many girl friends for a whole lot of reasons. I’m working on that list of whole lots of reasons and have been making progress, thank God. I think she and I bonded over our love for drinking if I’m going to be 100% honest, I could tell she was like me and I think that feeling was mutual. When actively drinking it’s always more comfortable to be with people (or someone) that is like you, and even better, worse off than you (in drinking behavior). So she was my similar or worse, and I was hers. A match made in alcoholic heaven. Back in those days I told myself I was “just” a binge drinker. Looking back I know differently.
Back to that phone call, she asks how I’m doing. Standard question. But I don’t know how to answer it. How am I doing? That’s a loaded question. I try to explain to her that I’m nothing. I’m not happy, sad, angry. I’m not very interested in my kids’ activities or things, my friends, or my own life. Doing pottery, working out, reading, writing, dating–none of that is motivating right now. I feel BLAH. I feel very little. I feel a low level of annoying anxiety, that just dampens everything, that take away any feelings of optimism and peace. With my recovery tools what I have been leaning on is “acceptance.” This is just the way it is right now. It’s OK that I am feeling this way, and don’t beat myself up over it. Do the next right thing, just for right now. Find gratitude, there are ALWAYS things to be grateful for. When I practice gratitude I see all of the things that are here for me, and sometimes I feel guilty. How can I have ALL of this, and still feel this way?
I am grateful for my education and job, I am grateful for my own house, I am grateful for the positive co-parenting relationship I have with my ex, I am grateful for the support from my mom, sister, BFF, work bestie/boss, and other friends. I am grateful for three healthy children, for advanced diabetes care for my son, for my kids having friendships that are meaningful. I am grateful for my health, for AA, for my community. Just writing this out changes my mindset and helps me move into a more stable and positive mindset. Of course this is just one tool, but it has been a game changer to me. I remember being at Hazelden and the counselor talking about a daily gratitude practice, write down three things you are grateful for each day, and I thought it was a bunch of shit. But because I was there, and trying to just do what they told me to do to get better, I started a gratitude journal that day. Which evolved into a daily practice I couldn’t do without.
Gratitude (what are at least three things I am grateful for today)
Daily Reading (currently mine is from The Language of Letting go: Daily Meditations on Codependency by Melody Beattie)
Goal for the day (what recovery behavior will I use, or just a small thing I want to accomplish within the 24 hours)
Life Update (the scoop on the day to day of my life–wins, struggles, events, feelings, etc.)
This is what has worked for me. And by worked I mean just one component of my recovery program that has helped me to stay sober until today. We don’t know what tomorrow holds, and for now I’m just taking it one day at a time. Even when I feel BLAH. That’s an OK place to be.