May 2023
Wow it’s been a week. Wait it’s been a month. Never mind, it’s been a year.
But you know what, there is ALWAYS the next big thing just around the corner to bring on the anxiety.
The month of May was a doosie for me. My girls are in dance, so of course there are three different dance recitals, all that involve buying very expensive tickets to watch my 10 & 12 year old recreational dancers. All are on the weekends, and involve dress rehearsals and such fun things. Getting the girls up and moving and costumed and makeup done and hair according to the picture just to have 7 minutes on the stage to practice the day before the show is pure insanity, in my opinion. Even thinking about it is making my chest hurt just a little bit.
Two of my three kids have May birthdays, so there’s that. All of the parties–the friend party, the immediate family party, the extended family party–this is how my family culture does birthdays. Any of you that are parents can relate to the amount of work it is to plan the party, invite the people, pay for the stuff, clean the house, get the goodie bags, decorate, have all the snacks/food, have fun (and usually messy) activities planned for the kids. It’s just SO much! My little that turned 10 is so sweet, for her friend party she also wanted to make it a going away party for her friend moving to Florida, so we had a 2 in 1 party, so we also included gifts, posters, etc for the friend moving away. In the end it all went so well, but holy shit the amount of mental energy, physical work, and money it cost was pure insanity! Here is a quick recap from my little’s party—arrived, played on trampoline, got all dressed up for Crave, went out for dinner, did a silly photo shoot around Crave after dinner, came home and made homemade cupcakes (this was an activity my girl planned, I had already purchased a cake), with TONS of sprinkles, which BTW went everywhere, like everywhere. Then they moved on to a craft (again, planned my my girl), which involved mixing paint and sand, and creating a work of art on a canvas. So essentially a painting with texture, the scene she chose was a beach (tan paint and sand), the ocean (aqua paint and sand), and waves in the ocean (white paint and sand). They turned out beautiful, sometimes the creativity of my girl blows my mind. But fuck, the mess, the mess is so out of control!!!!! I was sweeping sand from every corner of the kitchen for DAYS!
In that moment I really had to practice mindfulness and gratitude–It’s just mess. I can clean this mess and think of all the things to be grateful for. I am so grateful that my girl has these silly and goofy and kind friends. I am grateful my girl has this wild and beautiful imagination and creativity and wants to share it with the world. I am grateful that I have this house to have a party in. I am grateful I am sober and not “drinking my way through” this party. The old me would be doing just that, and making a fool of myself, and probably not remembering everything. And the anxiety the next day is what killed me. What did I say? What did I do? How to I explain myself? No more, I am done with that, and it feels so good.
So the month of May brought on so much anxiety. The birthdays, the dance shows, soccer season beginning, the end of school performances–orchestra, Spanish, music, choir, class parties, etc. SO MANY THINGS! I am one that does not do well with chaos, and this felt like chaos. And endings, the ending of the school year for me (my professional work as a school social worker) and the end of the school year for my children, it’s so much! So good, and so much change. Every May feels this way, so you would think I’d be prepared for it one of these Mays, but nope, it hits me every time. I’ve tried to refine my practice, making a visual schedule, planning ahead, taking one thing at a time. But May always kicks my ass. But I survived it and tried really hard to enjoy it. I am one lucky mom that works hard to be a sober, present mom for my kids, so I can go to ALL the things, show up when they need me most.
I did find myself having anxiety/panic attacks. This has been a thing for me for a handful of years. As many people do, the first time this happened I thought I was having a hear attack (fist approx 2018). I did all the tests; everything checked out as normal. On this most recent to the doctor she asked me if I had any stress in my life; I broke down crying. How did I not think going through a divorce, while living with my soon-to-be ex (and 3 kids), being newly sober, and working while also just doing the regular life things wouldn’t impact my mental health? Well, it sure did. My anxiety was coming out in the form of panic attacks, and it was tough.
But this May the panic attacks made a lovely return. I found myself calling my mom one morning to make sure I was on the phone with someone in case I needed them to call 911 if I really was having a heart attack. These attacks seem to pp up out of nowhere, but as soon as I pause and reflect on my thoughts I would realize I was obsessing on some future or past event (was getting a divorce the right choice, will my kids be ok, can I plan this next party without losing my shit, then making a to-do list of 1 million tasks…then the symptoms begin). The sharp pain in my upper chest, then works it’s way up into my ears and down into my heart. Typically the pain goes in waves; a big hit of pressure/pain, then a gradual slow of the pain, it will go in this cycle until it decides to be done. I try to stop, take slow deep breaths, and focus on the good things in my life. I’m not sure if this helps, but I haven’t not survived one yet, so I’ll keep doing it as needed.
I am grateful for my body giving me the signs I need to slow down. Life is for living, not to be feared. Fear of the future and regret of the past is no way to be live life. When I get stuck in the cycle I always go back to gratitude. Gratitude and acceptance get me through EVERYTHING. Once I can accept my circumstances, a weight is lifted, and I can find gratitude and the guidance to do the next right thing.