My guilt is overwhelming at times. I look back and see all of the mistakes I made for so so so long. Should I have stayed? Would I have been able to remain sober if I tried to make it work? The wisdom of AA and/or treatment is “don’t make any major life changes or decisions in the first year of sobriety.” What did I do? I asked for a divorce within a few months of finishing treatment. I felt it in my gut, it was what I needed to do. The pain I felt and had also inflicted was just too deep, and the issues were not resolve-able.
Hazelden was home from June 29-July 26, 2021. It was there I learned that I was not alone, there were so many people that had these same thoughts, behaviors, patterns, and beliefs. Acceptance was the beginning. That first house meeting, where all of the unit residents sat in a circle, and introduced themselves with their name and “alcoholic/addict”. After grabbing an empty seat I said my name, and admitted to the group and to myself, out loud, that I was in fact an alcoholic. The shame was real, but being surrounded by those that get it was like a warm blanket of familiarity.
Over the course of 28 days I learned so much about myself. But honestly, I had a break from my life. The chaos of being a mom of three, often feeling like a single parent (my ex would argue this point, and he is a good dad, I just felt alone most of the time), existing in a broken marriage, feeling the guilt of “causing all the problems”, and on top of it further developing my very poor coping strategies that involved a whole lot of beer, Truly, and vodka.
Hazelden was a dream for me. Sleep, exercise, meditation, friends, learning, alone time, new relationships, good healthy food–all of it made me see that I deserve to feel good, to feel like I deserve all of these things. Still today I am working on understanding my needs and the needs of others, mainly my children, and figuring out how to not forget about me. I am important. I have to remember that I cannot give what I do not already have myself.